fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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