I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
