I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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