i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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