So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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