just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
