That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
