apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
