You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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