My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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