Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
