Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Randomize
