I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
