I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
