Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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