Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
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Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
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You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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