i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
