Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
