the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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