Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize