She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
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I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
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Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
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