Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
