i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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