Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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