he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize