May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
