I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
