Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
