i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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