I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
