Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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