Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
