I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
