Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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