god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if i can run in heels then i can drive
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
