So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize