I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
