I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
