You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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