I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
