why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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