I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
