His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
