He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
