drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
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im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
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They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
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