**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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