If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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