I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
