I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
