"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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