Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
