I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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