when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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