im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I need to sanitize my soul.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
