I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
